Guilty

Today while i was walking around with Dev in Vivo suddenly i thought what the hell am i doing here while my friends are schooling or working...there's always this disturbing feeling of regrets that i stopped my school after diagnosed, always feel that i should have continued on, that i was just being a baby, i didnt feel that bad like others from the chemo, i should have continued on...there are a lot of people still working after diagnosis, why didnt i...

Blame it all on that idiot in my chest

Nowadays, it's so easy to blame everything on the idiot in my chest, aka the cancer...any pain ,discomfort, flu, cold, sore, whatever, ''because of the chemo'' = ''because of the cancer''...it's so easy...but how sure am i? anything wrong might be due to another problem, not the cancer...for now, maybe it's logical to blame the idiot, but how about later, when will i know that cancer no longer affect my health, that it's gone, completely, together with the effects it comes with...now that i'm considered in remission, how long more can i blame cancer?

Moley matter

I went to see the dermatologist as told by Dr Lim, he is Dr Lee, a nice guy. He told me that the mole on my scalp's most prob's just a mole, but have to look out anyway, since my ma claimed it's got bigger...so see him 4 months later.........so meanwhile, i will just take a photo snap of it for comparison, just wonder how am i gonna get a proper look at moley when my hair's grown...

Simulation Day

Today i went for simulation of radiotheraphy, basically a trial run for radiation. It was to determine & to mark up the position of the body at which they will zap later on, on the real sessions. They CT scanned me, again, which means drinking like toilet bowl again, & tattooed 4 tiny green dots on my chest area as markings, yea man, i am cool , i got tattooes, not 1 but 4 man...................................and draw lines with green markers, the radiologist told me tried not to scrub it when taking shower & tried not to get it washed off till my next session which is exactly next week...how the hell am i gonna do that? what if i exercise & sweat, & now there's this green line stretching in the middle of my chest all the way down to just above my navel...hmmmmmmmmmmm.......

Signs

come to think about it, i think there were signs telling me that what i got was cancer during those waiting-for-confirmation time....it's something like people believing that when a moth flies into your house & stays, it means somebody in the family who has passed came back for a visit, or when your eye lids twitch something bad gonna happen...on the weekend i discovered my lump, the tv drama i was following had 2 of its characters diagnosed with cancer out of the blue, the cancer charity show advertisment kept on showing up whenever i turned on the tv, while i was in ENT waiting for Dr Tan, i picked up a mag & when i flipped open, the page was about a young woman living with cancer, then when i waited for my CT scan, the same thing happened, flipped a mag, the page was about a young girl who suddenly got leukemia. Then on the day Dr Tan wanted to see me urgently, i was waiting for the bus in school premise, a bunch of medical students stood behind me talking about cancer...so it seems like anything was about cancer...

After sleeping for a week

After the 1st chemo, i slept for every 3-4 hours for 1 week, fatigue, lost my appetite for 3 days, breathing heavily, slight dizziness, numbness of my fingers, more severe on the right hand...but no nausea, no vomit, & my hair's still nice & intact...yesterday night my tounge started having pins & needles so went to the clinic to find out that it's just one of the many side effects, so i guess i got to learn not to get panic easily...

Pre-diagnosis days

This was a very busy semester, lectures in the morning, lab work and projects in the afternoon, reports-rushing till dawn. More reports to tackle on the weekends, sooooo no life, but i'm not complaining, it was the last semester & then i'd be right off to some factories for idustrial attatchment & graduate. I didn't feel anything wrong with me, feeling healthy as ever, in fact i was feeling strong, waking up early and sleeping waaaay past midnight everyday, never feeling really tired or what-so-ever. Perhaps the only smaaaall tiny prob was feeling something was in my throat whenever i swallowed for the past 3 months, soooo maybe i did feel something's not right, but it didn't bother me much, i could eat, drink, & everything else. Sometimes, i woke up in the middle of the night, feeling chocked, but after coughing for a bit and clearing my throat, i went back to sleep instantly, no problem. All that i was thinking was work and work and ride through the sem. My mom knew about this swallowing thingy, so she told me to go see the doctor, i did & he said it was just acid reflux, just as i expected it, coz my aunt told me she had the same experience, so i drank some perscribed medicine but didn't complete the whole of 2 months course coz it didnt really help.

6th Oct 2007, Saturday - discovery day
Felt a painless lump in between my collar bone first thing in the morning when i woke up, not too obvious, confirmed with my bro, not too bothered though.

8th Oct 2007, Monday
Told Serene about the lump & she advised me to go to the doctor. She got some lumpy experience too, dunno what caused it till now, but she took medicines for months and was okay. She suggested ENT, but being the miser i was, i was thinking of a cheaper option, going to a GP to be referred to an ENT. However, tumour was not ruled out in our discussion, got a bit worried, so decided to go straight to the ENT. So called to make appointment with Dr Tan, at SGH, (yea, SGH is a cheaper & nearest hospital but centuries waiting time), he is my pa's ENT too. I was surprised, very, when i managed to get a slot on friday the very same week & that friday happened to have no lab works, otherwise work came 1st, yea, at that time my mindset was i wouldnt be so suay but check just in case.

12th Oct 2007, Friday
I was hesitating, i felt that the lump was diminishing, & i didnt want to waste $ unecessarily, but Serene thought otherwise. So i went anyway. First, he felt the lump, and then his intern did the same too, but she did it for like 10 years. He poked and drew some blood from the lump. smeared it on a slide and examined it under microscope, not sure what he saw he didnt explained but he told me it didnt look normal. He did an endoscopy to confirmed that nothing funny obstructing my throat or nasal passage. Then he suggested to go for x-ray & wham the result was out within minutes in his computer, the wonder of technology, and yea something's on my chest, it appeared as white shadow on the x-ray...So, next he told me, just to be sure, to get a CT scan of the throat and chest on the coming Monday night. I was in the clinic from 2 to 8pm that day, was the last patient to leave the ENT dept. So, it was not so good news, next appointment was next next Monday, a week after the scan coz they claimed the scan result would only be done in a week time. i couldnt wait to see Dr Tan again but a week time was already the best

15th Oct 2007, Monday
Had an 8 pm CT scan appointment, after much convincing that i'm not pregnant (because i couldnt tell them when was the last period, i don't keep track, who does ah...), the nurse or doctor, i was not sure, allowed me to go for the scan. She said: "why so gan jiong? can always do it 3 weeks later what!" I told the recept lady it cost me a bomb & she said mine was nothing compared to the young boy who got to do the whole body. So they injected me with iodine contrast which made me feel uncomfortably warm for a short while. Done in a jiffy, told me to go home & wait for news in a week time. Later in the night, the nurse who did the scan phoned me and said not to worry too much, which was weird, was that part of procedure? But it felt good to hear a caring voice like that, really felt thankful to him & continued my reports.

17th Oct 2007, Wednesday - the day i got scared
I was in an 8am lecture break, checked my handphone, found 12 missed calls from an unfamiliar number. After that i called home to bid my cousin who was going back Jakarta bye2, that was when he told me a lady from the hospital told me to meet Dr Tan that very afternoon with my parents. After that, more missed calls, which were from the nurse. I thought, what happen to the result which need a week time? this was not good man, so i gave my lab work a miss that afternoon. Dr Tan showed me the scan result & said 'it might not be a good thing', i saw that white patch on the same spot on the scan. So i asked him was it a tumour, he said he dont know and need to refer me to Dr Augustine, whom he said was a pulmunologist, sounded not too bad. But Dr Aug. was at the National Cancer Centre, oh-oh man, so i asked again was it cancer, he said he dunno again but there's something about the way he answered me...

I was feeling shit already, i called Dev right after i got out the clinic, she was kinda the 1st person to know i got cancer, although not confirmed yet, maybe that was another reason i didnt inform my parents, btw, they were in Jakarta due to the Hari Raya festive. I didnt know who else, my bro was in school, i was not ready to tell Serene too. So i went home, talked somemore to Dev, we checked out the net, read the referral letter and CT scan report. Judging from the position of the lump, i thought it was thymus cancer and what i read online was not too good. I didnt know what i read or Dev read, but if i was unfortunate, 5 years was all i got even after treatment...that was like too short a time, way tooooo short...The report also indicated there's some association with the aorta, sounds like a goner...i always thought most people today would end up with cancer & i would be mentally prepared for it, but it had always just been inside my head, but this time round was real, very real... it is not exaggeration how people in the movies hope that they are just dreaming when they are caught in bad situations, i was really in for it this time round... I was in a daze for the rest of the day, scared, but later on managed to convince myself not to think too much as things were not confirmed yet, for all you know, it would be just nothing but a stupid infection. I told my bro when he was home, he was silent for the whole evening, also because he just flunk his end term test, he blamed me for constantly dying my hair...

18th Oct 2007, Thursday
Felix skipped school to accompany to see Dr Aug, i was the 1st patient, the whole trip was short and sweet, he looked at my scan, said it's definitely a tumour, pretty big 6x3 in dimension, but not sure what kind, how cancerous it was, most prob lymphoma, said lots of young people got it nowadays in a ''c'mon, it's chicken feet, nothing too serious'' tone, he said i might only need to take medicine or do an operation, sounds cool...so i needed to do a biopsy the next day & had to stay in hospital for a night. I was kinda bargaining with him if i could change the timing cos i got microb lab the next day and he was kinda looking at me like i had some shit on my face and said that biopsy 1st, the rest, later...

So called my parents back in jakarta, told them the whole thing & was surprised at how efficient my pa could be when he said he'd be arriving tonight...told im he neednt come coz it'd only take a day, i could manage, but he insisted anyway, ma would be arriving the next day evening...somehow i felt guilty for all the sudden-ess of the whole thing, they seemed more scared than i was...

Did some blood test and went to the canteen to have breakfast with Felix, had kway chap, somehow felt better than the day before, somehow the whole thing was not as scary anymore, later on Felix told me he felt the same too...then i got back to school for engin lab...

19th Oct 2007, Friday - 1st hospital stay & surgery ever in my life
Pa went with me to the hospital, everything was swift, arrived, told to change into this blue op robe with strings at the back which would reveal your ass if not tied properly and suddenly i was in the op room. Because they decided i got the superior vena cava syndrome, they put on the oxygen mask on me, horrible, all i could smell was plastic and water spraying all over my covered face, i didnt think i breathe easier. The docs & nurses made 2 IV channels on my right hand, which meant 2 needle pokes, and sort of chit-chat with me and injected some stuff through the IV port & the next thing i know was waking up coughing like mad, realizing the op was done! the wonders of anaesthesia...

I was half awake, still groggy, dozing off & waking up everynow & then...when there's this young gay-ish doc who asked me a bunch of questions on the symptoms & how i felt, i was still coughing like mad & couldnt talk properly, but he kept on asking & i didnt know exactly what answers i gave him really, but i was a no-common-symptoms-case, other than the lump of course...
no prolonged unexplained fever
no prolonged cough
no tiredness
no weight loss or appetite loss
no night sweat
no muscle or bone pain, or any pain

Then the doc said i couldnt go home the next day as promised, more tests needed to be done, & since it's Friday, not much could be done till the week end was over, nobody wanted to spend their weekend staring at some cut-out meat under the microscope; so Monday, i could go home, suspected it's lymphoma...okay, from 1 night to 3 nights...

i didnt realise my op wound till my pa constantly bent down to look at my neck...then i saw uncle (Tan) at my bedside, apparently my pa told him & he must be thinking: ''i just ate bah kut teh with her a week ago...''. Later on a bunch of docs came to remove the IV ports on my hands, only to poke more on my ankles, coz they said the tumour seemed to be pressing the veins or something, there might be some degree of blockage, so the leg part was better channel...you know how some docs or nurses was so good that they inflicted no pain when they poke through those veins, & this bunch definitely were not lar, it's so painful that i kinda become more awake from the daze...but after that i fell asleep again...

then i was woken up, told to change to this pinky pyjamas with not so conspicuous lace & pushed to another ward, which i realised later on was where the cancer patients were...Doc Oh walked with me while i was being moved, she was great & very nice, talking to me & all that, until she told me she was gonna do the bone marrow aspiration & how it might hurt despite the painkillers given... but i was damn sure it's gonna hurt though, coz she was the same person who did the IV on my ankle...but, all went well, i didnt feel the pain, but i could feel the needle with the size of a straw puncturing my hip bone...she told me i might get the 'sheng tia' feeling when the painkiller was gone & i needed to lay down for 9 hours to use my body weight to press the wound...going toilet was a chore coz i had to trouble a nurse to bring me a mobile toilet sit, after much persuasion coz i was not supposed to get out of bed; no potty for me, i just couldnt do it there...

btw, there were 5 patients other than me in my ward, all of them looked over 40, i think they were all grandmas...

that night i did another CT scan, neck to abdomen...i was thinking couldnt they just did the abdomen since i done the chest & neck recently, i was gonna be in for a lot of radiation from all the scanning...the CT was horribly long & it didnt help when my bladder felt like bursting...

20th Oct 2007, Saturday
Another doc came, said the good news was no involvement of bone marrow but they found 1-2 more tumours at the collar bones region...wonder how many docs had come & see me, they kept changing everytime... My ma came in the morning. My parents stayed with me all day, going off only at lunch & dinner, Felix came when they needed to be away, & i just kept feeling that heaviness in my head & giddiness, so i was sleeping most of the time...family is no.1 at times like this, well, at every time...

22nd Oct 2007, Monday
I met Dr Lim, he would be in charge of me, told me biopsy was not out yet. He said it was not good to hurry, so no going home yet as planned, maybe Tuesday, hiiieeeeeehh...Fasted for 12 hours for PET scan to check for any spread, muga scan to see if my heart was able to handle the chemo coz apparently chemo was gonna be cardiotoxic, it took whole day, mostly due to waiting...i was out of ward at 10 in the morn, only back at around 4 pm...guessed my parents were just staring at my empty bed the whole morning, & i didnt feel hungry at all despite having no food for almost a day...

Later on, the young gayish doc came to tell me i was a confirmed case of lymphoma, still not sure the type...not a surprised there, i was just hoping it was benign (i didnt know there's no such thing as benign lymphoma then), could be operated or something or just take some pills, please please please no chemo please...

Btw, there was this old lady checked into my ward that day, she was thin but looked ok, but something's not right up in her head coz she kept on thinking she was home & wanting to cook dinner, at night while all were sleeping, she was still rambling about i dunno, dinner? Her daughter always came late at night & only gone by dawn...i was pretty disturbed by the noise she made every night, her maid had hard time quiet-ing her down...

23rd Oct 2007, Tuesday - i'm a bull
Dr Lim came in the morn with a bunch of medical students from my school, i dunno why but i felt slightly depressed, maybe coz i foresaw the possibility of not being able to carry on like they did...then he called pa in to explained all. So he said i got non-hodgkin's lymphoma, stage 2, aggressive intermediate grade, B cell, malignant, need chemotheraphy, couldnt be operated...damn...ok no hair loss please, no hair loss, please please, please...then he continued, side effect includes all the common ones like vomitting, nausea, &... hair loss, wtf, 会脱光, most probably after 2nd round, 光光!, actually i accepted that fact very readily actually, no sadness then or what so ever...it's more like i was soooo ready to get cured & very convinced that i will be...then he added i might be infertile, erm, i was, okay, whatever, like i said i was so ready for treatment, it's like i'm that bull with super sharp horn & the only thing i see is the stupid cancer cells which are red, red & red, so he went on i would be on 6 cycles of R-CHOP, & booster jab 2 days after chemo, followed by radiation after the 6 cycles. 6 times, once every 2 weeks, woa that's fast...(yea right, i got lose screw up here)...He warned my pa about the high medical cost & financial help would be available if needed. I got 70% chance, which was not too bad, it was good actually, if i unfortunately fall into the 30% category, i would need bone marrow transplant, but he said let's just concentrate on the 70%...so, Dr Lim concluded that i should start chemo the next day & stay till friday till i get my booster jab...so, from 1 day to 3 days to a week...hiiieeeeeee

Then i was given a list of all the bad things to look out for after chemo, especially fever>40 dc...so if i am 39 i'm ok? hmmmmmmmm
Serene called, told her about my 70% chance, 'so small ah', that's what she said, wa..thanx man...

24th Oct 2007, Wednesday - 1st chemo
The nurse told me, my chemo'd be ready by 2pm, but i waited till 4pm & still no sign of it, i kept on asking the nurses, i think they felt like tapping my mouth. I was soooooooooooooooo on, so looking forward to my 1st chemo, something's really not right up here, might be due to the sedative after the biopsy, my vision was still kinda floaty since...i guess i was just so ready to kill the damn cancer...so it came, the nurse with mask on, 3 colourless syringes, 1 red one, 1 colourless vile, a pack of whatever labelled cytotoxic & a bunch of anti-side effect pills. So the 1st to be in was the small vile, then that cytotoxic whatever was connected to my vein & followed by the rest. How i was feeling? perfectly normal, but i fell into deep sleep soon after that, no chills, none of those side effect they warned me of, especially coz they put me on very strong dose, coz they kept on saying i'm young i should be able to take it...

I was awaken by dinner & Serene & kei who visitted me. I was in a daze but managed to chit chat. After that i was instantly asleep again after they were gone, i was just sleepy but okay, nothing uncomfortable.

25Oct 2007,Thursday
Woke up from the 1st ever undisrupted sleep, apparently, my chemo ended in the middle of the night without me knowing. I nv got non-stop sleep since i was admitted, either toilet, drink, sweat, medicine time or the noisy old ah ma opposite my bed. I was feeling alright, perfect, none of the nausea or vomitting i braced myself for. Thank God. Felix came to help me purchase the booster jab for the next day, then we talked about the horrendous bill size, a jab cost 900 bucks, imagine, but i had to, we estimated that the whole thing might cost up to $27k, well, he said he's gonna help me earn it back... :)

My parents didnt stay around much that day coz they were busy cleaning the whole house for me, worried of all the infection, all the fungi residing in my old house...felt guilty...
My blood was taken later on as part of the study on why nhl is on the rise among young ppl, got a bad bruise from the blood work coz the doc used too small needle for the 1st try...the worst part about blood work is knowing that the needle failed to enter a vein & how medics try to put the needle back right on track by kinda digging the needle till it hits a vessels...damn...Grace called me, her voice sounded really sorry for my condition, & it kinda got to me coz i nearly cried for 1st time ever after diagnosis, but being somebody who put on the macho front, i hold back, i was in the tv room with pa, ma & a bunch of patients anyway, so no way i gonna burst out right in front of them...Felt extremely sleepy at night for no reason, guessed the chemo effect has set in...

26th Oct 2007, Friday
1st booster jab in the morning at the tummy where all my fats are...A lady came in the afternoon just before lunch to interview me on my life habits, as part of the nhl studies, she flashed me pics of vege & fruits & asked me what colour i dyed my hair, whether i smoked & all those...at the end of the interview she said what i had should be curable, that phrase seemed to make my day...Serene, Yuyin, Eileen, Jamie came during lunch...

The effect of the 1st chemo really kicked in that day, i hardly touched my lunch, feeling extremely tired...i was discharged that day...thank god my pa insisted we took the cab home, i was so tired i was breathing heavily by the time i reached the front door of the hospital...

The room was much more empty; clean with all the cluters thrown away, they bought mild shampoo & soap for me too...i showered & slept till dinner, which i hardly touched again...